


Forgive my Foolish Heart

by PearlescentSkyBlue



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Heartache, Letters, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Sacrifice, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:03:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlescentSkyBlue/pseuds/PearlescentSkyBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonghyun always goes to Key for comfort.<br/>For everything.<br/>When his schedule gets too stressful, when he misses his family, when his rehearsals go wrong or when his dates don't go so well.<br/>Key is happy to help out his friend but to the Diva, the Dino is more than just that so when he comes to him after yet another slut walks out on him, he can feel his own world crumble just a little bit more.<br/>Key is in love. He is in love with his Dino Hyung, but he can't say a word. He doesn't know how and he doesn't want to hurt him.<br/>His Hyung has a good life going, despite all the stress. He doesn't need him to worry about.<br/>Then one day, Jonghyun comes over in a sulk after another terrible date gone wrong, yet he finds the apartment empty.</p><p>A small, handwritten note left on the table...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgive my Foolish Heart

 

Jonghyun hadn't had such a good day. He was always having trouble with his dating life, he had no idea why but whenever he tried to get with a girl, something always went wrong, and now it was happening all over again.

He had met this girl a few days ago and she seemed nice enough so he decided to go on a date with her. Everything had been planned out: he'd arranged a place at a really nice restaurant for lunch where they could talk to each other and then they could go for a walk in the park close by. Everything was planned, except for one tiny thing that went wrong - the girl he planned it for.

 

At first she didn't even show up for the date as he waited for her but then as Jonghyun had turned to leave, he had seen her around a corner practically eating the face off another man. In a huff he had left and come straight to Key's apartment, and not feeling in the mood to knock, simply opened the door himself with the spare key, which Key had given to him. Jonghyun often, though without realising it, took advantage of Key's generosity. He came and went as he pleased, he intruded his privacy, always told him about his problems, but he was never there for Key when he had them. It wasn't that Jonghyun was being arrogant or stuck up, he just never really took the time to notice his friend's condition.

He swung the door open and walked inside, still in a sulky mood from being shot down and cheated on, on the first date with this girl.  
“Key?” he called loudly, no reply. “Hey, Key! You here? Can we talk?” Still no reply, “Odd” he thought. He walked around, scanning the rooms until his eyes landed on a small, handwritten note left on the table. He picked up the paper with a feather touch and carefully read over the delicate scrawl, it read:

 

_Dear Jonghyun._

  
_I knew you would be the first one to find me gone. But in a way that's good, it is because of my feelings for you that I am going in the first place._

_You might be asking where I am going and what I am talking about but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore._

_I tried to tell myself just seeing you was enough, that even if you didn't notice me, as long as I saw you I would be fine._

_But I was just lying to myself, it is so much harder. You may hate me Jonghyun, but I can't lie about what I feel anymore._

_I love you._

_I know I shouldn't but I do anyway._

_I_ _know my feelings for you could ruin everything you hold dear, but I won't say i'm sorry, because i'm not._

_I_ _love you and even though you have never felt the same way, I wouldn't wish my feelings any differently as long as I get to see you everyday._

_But I can't force myself on you Jonghyun. That is something I would never wish to do._

_I know this letter is not the most romantic or lovingly heartfelt, but it is all I can manage now. If I don't stop then I could really ruin everything._

_What I do now may not be what you expect._

_Some might say it's cowardice,_

_others might say a tragic expression of love._

_I just think it is an escape from the truth, the truth that we were never meant to be together._

_There is nothing I or you could have done about it and it is just the way it has to be._

_I have to do this, I don't do it to hurt you. I only do it because I love you too much to hurt you by staying._

_Forgive me, my love. Forgive my foolish heart._

_Forever yours, in spirit._

_Key_

Jonghyun had to reread the note over again until suddenly the realisation of what was really going on hit him, hard in the chest. He quickly put the piece of paper in his pocket and raced out of the door. The words from the paper were racing around his head.

 _I can't lie about what I feel anymore..._  
how long had he been feeling this way? All this time and Jonghyun had never even guessed.

 _I love you. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway..._  
Did he think so badly of Love? Of was it just that he feared Jonghyun's reaction, did he fear that he would hate him if he knew the truth?

 _What I do now may not be what you expect. Some might say it's cowardice, others might say a tragic expression of love. I just think it is an escape from the truth..._  
Some of the words that stuck clearest in his head, there was only one thing these could mean: Key meant to commit suicide. Jonghyun's legs were still moving as fast as they could, he prayed he was heading in the right direction, he didn't want to think about what might happen if he wasn't. Then there were those last few words,

_...Forgive me, my love. Forgive my foolish heart._

 

As he ran, he pulled out his mobile phone and dialled Key's number,  
“Come on Key, Pick it up!” Still it kept ringing in his hand, Key wouldn't answer. “Please don't let me be too late. I'm coming Key, just hold on!”

 

 

Beside him, Key's phone was ringing and vibrating, he could hear it crystal clearly and he knew Jonghyun had found his message, part of it made him happy but another only made it stir him on. He was sitting atop the bridge, looking down at the cold dark and perilous water. To anyone else it would seem like a peaceful little area of water to admire and possibly take pictures of, but to Key it was about to become his final resting place.

 

He sat there on his own, in simple black clothes, looking over the edge. As an extra counter measure, he had tied weights to his wrists to drag him under, in the case that the impact did not finish him off. The world around him seemed to slow until it was stopped completely. For the first time he could just sit there on that bridge edge, close his eyes and be completely at peace.

 

Troubles and the rest of the world were still surrounding him but his true being didn't even notice. But it wasn't exactly peace, it was more like he was being distracted from the things that troubled him, like Jonghyun. Jonghyun. That one word; one name that made his world and head spin in both good ways and bad, the one word that made his heart beat erratically and stop dead at different times, the only word that could make him feel the most happiest of joys and the most heart crushing of depressions. The only man whom he would jump off this bridge for, to make his life easier.

 

 

Key had honestly done all he could. He had been strong for as long as his heart, head and will power had let him but all of it had run out. There is nothing like the pain of watching the person you love, love someone else. He wasn't being selfish or cowardly, this was all for Jonghyun's sake. He didn't want to drag him down, to keep him away from living his dreams. Jonghyun meant everything to him and he was willing to sacrifice everything for him. Still as he sat on that edge, he thought about what it would be like to live in love with Jonghyun and have those feelings returned: to be able to lie with his arms draped around his waist, for him to kiss his temple to wake him and kiss his lips when he finally did, for Jonghyun to tell him while looking into his eyes that he loved him with everything in him...

 

Then he thought about what it would be like to live in love with Jonghyun, when he never even noticed he was there: to watch him grow further away, try to hold him back just so he could selfishly be with him, watch him fall in love, watch him drift away while he doesn't care, lose connection with him completely, bump into him in a random location, see the wedding ring on his finger, his arm around his beautiful wife and holding the hand of his young son, watching him grow up happily while he stayed in the shadows. That was why he was there, he couldn't live like that and he couldn't hold Jonghyun from gaining that beautiful life...

 

 

He sat there a little while longer, just thinking silently about all these things, the darkness of death hardly coming into play, he knew death would come, he knew he had no idea what would happen in the next stage, but if it was anything like what he had always heard, it was a lot better than living here in a world where he felt unloved. This was the only way, Key could see himself being able to go through with his decision. He could never stand the sight of blood so cutting wasn't an option. He could have overdosed but that can so easily go wrong and this bridge meant something to him, it had once meant to world to him.

The first place he had met Jonghyun.

How fitting, this should be the place he would say goodbye to him and the rest of his existence, forever. The bridge was quiet at that time of day, although the paths on either side were not completely deserted. The bridge was a common place to come and think so the passing people thought nothing of the boy in black, sitting on the edge of the stone bridge looking down into the deep water; they had no idea what was going through his head. They had no clue how close he was to making that leap. They walked on.

 

 

Inside his chest, his heart was pounding, his adrenaline was rushing, but at the same time his body seemed partly relaxed, or more frozen. He hardly moved, even his blinking was reduced. He looked down into that water, thoughts of Jonghyun came to his mind. He loved him so much, it wasn't even describable. He longed so much to be able to walk away from this and go into his waiting arms, but that wasn't about to happen, he was never going to feel the comfort of Jonghyun's presence again, he had come too far now. He took a deep breath and readied himself on the furthest edge of the bridge, a gust of wind could have knocked him down then. A single tear escaped from his eyes and a silent sob broke it's way through his slightly parted lips.

 

He vaguely heard the sound of someone shouting but he couldn't focus on what was being said, he was too consumed with the thought of his death and what it would entail. His eyes were fixed on the water below and his hands were spread beside him to help give him an extra push, the weights attached to his wrists. A wave of sadness crashed over him and then a sudden spike of fear, when he realised what he was about to do. But in a second it past, he was left only with his adrenaline rushing and violent heart beat in his ears, the peace and relief this decision was giving him. Freedom for both himself and Jonghyun. He could live a happy life without him holding him back, his last parting gift to his lover.

 

 

Suddenly, strong and protective arms wound themselves securely around his small figure and the strong torso of a man crashed into his back, not painfully but with enough force to surprise him out of his daydream.

“Key please, don't do this. Please, you can't do this, you can't leave me. I need you. Key, Please!”

Key's eyes widened as he realised who it was, he looked up through his lashes at his love Jonghyun who has holding him tightly with terror in his face. “Key I swear, don't even think about this, I need you here. I'm not letting you go anywhere, do you hear me?” Key still couldn't answer but he seemed to be able to hear him. Jonghyun suddenly pulled Key further from the edge, still sitting on the stone, yet further away from death's clutches. But Key's eyes had returned back to the water he was now saved from, still in shock and unable to speak. Jonghyun took this opportunity to scan Key for any other injuries and his eyes fell on the weights he had attached to himself. He quickly untied the weights from his wrists and rubbed his thumbs and fingers over them gently, making sure his circulation wasn't hurt. He then held them in his hands and after contemplating for a brief moment, brought them to his lips, kissing the silky, and creamy white skin, sweetly.

 

Key looked up, surprised at the affection Jonghyun was showing him, the way he was acting seemed almost like he... loved him?  
“Key, you can't ever do this, you hear me. If you ever take that jump, you can bet I will be diving in right after you.” Jonghyun said, looking deeply into his eyes. There was a look of new found determination in his eyes, as if he had finally realised something that had been there all along yet he could never see until now. He finally saw how important Key was to him and he wasn't going to let him walk out of his life, or fall as he seemed to be trying to.

 

 

“How did you know i'd be here?” Key's delicate and shaking voice broke past Jonghyun's epiphany and he looked into the diva's face as he recalled how he had been drawn to coming here first when he had read the note.

“This is where we first met, I remember.” Key's eyes widened as he heard his crushes confession. It had been years and he still remembered? “We were walking in opposite directions, towards each other, i was on my phone, whilst you were smiling shyly at the ground while you held your new books. I had been so distracted, I accidentally bumped into you and made you drop all your fashion books in the middle of this bridge. I stopped, crouching and picked them up for you, we stood up at the same time and looked at each other. Then I took you to have coffee to make it up to you. I couldn't get rid of you after that.” Jonghyun jokingly finished with a smile and Key's eyes glistened at the retold story, a small smile lighting up his own expression.

 

In that one moment, Key had fallen for Jonghyun, fallen for his charms, his manners, his looks, for everything about him but he had always assumed the Dino felt nothing. In fact, Jonghyun had been attracted to him from the beginning but he had never realised that it stemmed further than mere friendship, as he had convinced himself.

Key's breath was still laboured from the adrenaline and as a sudden gust of cold wind blew past them, he couldn't stop his body shivering. Jonghyun, of course noticed this and quickly shed his coat and wrapped it around the younger's shoulders. Key looked up at the Dino's smiling face and hesitantly he lent sideways so his back was slightly resting on Jonghyun's chest and his head rested just underneath his own. For a moment he stayed very still, waiting for his reaction, but his body melted into him when he felt the strong, comforting arm wrap around him, holding him close.

 

 

They sat in silence for a little while longer, they both felt relaxed in each other's presence, and Key felt safer than he had for a long, long time.

“Mianhae” Jonghyun suddenly said softly.

Key looked up at him with a questioning look on his face, noticing this Jonghyun carried on. “I was too blinded by my own troubles, that I couldn't even see yours. I focused way too much on me, forcing all my problems on you, and never trying to take on any of yours. In doing so, I ended up hurting both of us so much. In doing so, I ended up clouding my own vision from seeing what was there for me the whole time.” Key lowered his eyes back down, resting his head back against the older's firm chest. His hand trailed down to take one of Jonghyun's, his fingers playing with his, tracing patterns gently across it.

“What was it?”

“It was you”

 

 

Key's eyes looked up through his lashes at Jonghyun, a soft smile across his lips, his hand made it's way gently up to Jonghyun's cheek and both closed their eyes contently.

“Jonghyun, i've completely fallen for you.” Jonghyun smiled lovingly down at his Key, he could see the love radiating from him and as Key looked at him, he could suddenly feel the warmth of his love, it was so strong and pure. “I love you so much, won't you forgive me?"

"What is there to forgive?" Jonghyun asked.

"Forgive my foolish heart” Key finished. Jonghyun placed one hand on the side of Key's face and the other behind his neck for support and whispered into his ear,

“As long as you forgive mine, my love” and he gently brought their lips together and they shared their first kiss, the most tender of all.

 


End file.
